1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
