Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
