Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
zippers are such a cool invention
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
