I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
