I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
