I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
