I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
