apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
