I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
