Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
