Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
