i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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