If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
