Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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