If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he quoted the bible to break up with me
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Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
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i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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