You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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