i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
