i need an iv and a liver transplant
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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