Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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