I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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