I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
