dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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