I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
