i permit you to call me
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
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Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
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it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.