I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.