i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
