The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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