dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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