I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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