I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
