dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
