My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
