New low: just hacked my moms facebook
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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