the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
