I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
