You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
