I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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