I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
