So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
