Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
