its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
