as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I AM VODKA MAN
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
