Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
