your parents love me but you hate me
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
