Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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