did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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