He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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