4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Text me some of your sweat
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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