Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
