I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
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First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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