i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
