I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
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I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
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Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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