so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
