I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
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It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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