Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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