In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
