I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
