Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
